These stories are at least ten years old. But I still find them interesting. Like most of my other stories, these are about NRI’s, and their families.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Family Feud – The Headmaster and the Coffeemaker<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n This story was written during prehistoric times- like 2010!-there were no smartphones in India, fast internet connections were available on Cable only, wireless routers were very expensive and people were worried about others stealing their bandwidth. The story is still funny, but things have certainly changed a lot!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t generally like people working in computer-related fields. I mean – look, a nerd who stares at endless pages of meaningless codes all day long, or tries to develop a flashier version of a stupid handheld gadget \u2013 and makes more money than the rest of us!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Can you detect a little envy on my part? Hehehe!<\/p>\n\n\n\n But I loved Ashok the geek. A very neat young man, very hard-working I Still single, but family oriented, he often talked about his big brother, Bhimdeb Mukherjee, recently promoted to be the Headmaster of a local school and his lovely niece Pinky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ashok loves Coffee . He spends hours stooped in front of his computer with a steaming hot cup of gourmet brew from his very own pricey machine he bought at Chicago. Hey, the kid don\u2019t have any vices and makes a lot of dough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n After a gap of five years, he went back to Kolkata for his life-changing trip in 2008, much delighted by the coffeemaker he ordered from an Indian website, to be delivered to his ancestral home in Behala, just before he arrived.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Things have certainly changed in India, he noticed , especially in his own house. Bhim, since getting his promotion, rules his school and his house both with an iron fist. The Head Sir, as students call him, has grown a formidable moustache and a paunch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The shiny coffeemaker has been unpacked, sitting on the kitchen counter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBoudi will make coffee for you tomorrow\u201d Bhim told him as Ashok went to bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Eager for caffeine, he joined the family bright and early in the living room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDada likes tea in the morning\u201d Bhabi informed him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tea came, with toast and jam.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ashok was pining for his first cup of Java. His throat felt dry, his eyelids twitched even as he drank the muddy and sweet concoction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Head Sir gave him a short lecture on the sad state of the Marxist government in Bengal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A second round of tea followed by Samosas arrived. Still no coffee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI am making pinky\u2019s breakfast, she will go to school soon.\u201dBhabi announced<\/p>\n\n\n\n Pinky ate for about forty-five minutes, with continuous coaxing from her parents. Even at nine years old, she is a fussy eater.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Around 9 am , Ashok peeked in the kitchen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cCan I make some coffee myself, Boudi?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bhabi was not amused.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat\u2019s the big rush? I will make it for you when I get some free time. Please sit down and enjoy yourself. Dada wants to chat with you\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Soon after, Boudi went to take a shower. Ashok peeked in the kitchen again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n OMG, the coffeemaker, the spice blender and all other kitchen equipment were securely locked in the kitchen cabinet. (Later on his mom told him that this is done whenever bhabi leaves the kitchen, fearing the housemaid would run away with the kitchen appliances- Head Sir\u2019s orders, obviously!).<\/p>\n\n\n\n Around 10-30 am Ashok gave up on coffee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He enquired about using the internet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe computer is in our bedroom\u201d The Head sir said. \u201c You can not use it during the daytime, Bhabi needs her privacy. Eight pm in the evening is the scheduled computer time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n At eight pm in the evening, the whole family marched to the bedroom. First Bhim checked his e-mail. Pinky played with the computer for fifteen minutes. Bhabi read some blogs. Ashok got his turn around 8:45. By 9:15, Bhim came back to the bedroom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe will be getting ready for bed now,\u201d he said politely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Pretty much the same routine repeated itself the next morning. Hungry for Java and the internet, Ashok picked up his laptop and headed for the local internet thek<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A paranoid old spinster was running the internet joint in the late morning hours. There were mostly teens hanging around, playing video games or chatting passionately with their internet \u201cboyfriends\u201d or \u201cgirlfriends\u201d that they have never seen in their lives. <\/p>\n\n\n\n She frowned as he entered and asked for his ID.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ashok showed her his US passport, he became an American citizen five years ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The spinster looked at him and said \u201cThis is your American passport. I need your Indian passport or PAN card.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI don\u2019t have an Indian passport, Miss, sorry!\u201d Ashok said<\/p>\n\n\n\n She insisted that since Ashok is speaking Bangla, he must show his Indian passport.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cUS passports are acceptable only from real Americans, not from you\u201d She wryly informed Ashok.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The teenagers snickered in the background.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ashok stepped out, muttering some very bad words under his breath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A desperate Ashok then took a taxi to Park Street and found a nice coffee shop with WI-Fi and got some work done finally, with some excellent Java to go with it. It took three hours roundtrip to go to Park Street, even in a taxi, and the taxifare, three cups of gourmet coffee , snacks and internet charges ran to a hefty 2000 rupees. Even with American dollars, this is pretty steep for one day, Ashok thought. Damn it, why does he need to spend so much money?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Three days later, the gleaming coffeemaker, still a virgin, sat quietly in the kitchen cabinet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ashok called a family meeting in the evening. The Head Sir was annoyed. Supposedly, he was the only one who can call a meeting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDada, why can\u2019t I use the internet during the day\/\u201d Ashok asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Head Sir was even more annoyed \u201cI already told you, that\u2019s in Boudi\u2019s room. Our computer time is 8 pm.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhy can\u2019t you install a wireless router, so I can hook up my laptop anywhere? I can go get one right now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cEkdom noi<\/em>\u201d The Head Sir was getting mad \u201c our neighbors would hack in and steal our bandwidth\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cCan we all have some coffee now? I am getting tired of waiting for coffee\u201d Ashok asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cChee chee, you can\u2019t have coffee in the evening!! Matha Ghure jaabe! (You will get dizzy!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThis is my Coffeemaker.\u201d Ashok exploded in rage, finally. \u201cI bought it with my own money, I will make coffee whenever I want, wherever I want, as many times as I need. Don\u2019t tell me about your stupid family rules. I don\u2019t depend on your money or your father\u2019s money, you idiot!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Invoking one\u2019s father in the conversation (Baap tola <\/em> in Bangla) and calling one\u2019s dada an idiot \u2013 all in one sentence – the Head Sir\u2019s mouth fell open at the enormity of this insult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He remained quiet for a moment, his face getting beet red. Slowly, the respectable head sir\u2019s nostrils flared up, and a little vein on his forehead started throbbing. His eyes popping up, the head sir finally exclaimed, with uncharacteristic profanity<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201c\u201cEto boro Katha<\/em>! Get out from my house right now, you baanchot<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n (I am not translating this!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ashok retaliated, in English, hoping his mom would not understand, \u201cI have had it with you, fatso! This is not your freaking house, it is my father\u2019s. You just live here with your fat ass and small prick. Next time you ask me for money for house repair, or a new cell phone from America, I will shove it right through like an express train.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n At this, mom and Bhabi gasped and started crying quietly. Bhim sat there speechless, shaking with anger, the little vein throbbing on his forehead. Not waiting for a response, Ashok stormed out of his ancestral house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This was the beginning of a deep and long-lasting rift in the illustrious Mukherjee family. Three years later , Ashok is still banished from the Behala House.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The siblings are on a mission . To get a little flavor of their incendiary interaction, please browse through their recent e-mail exchanges:<\/p>\n\n\n\n To Bhim@gmail.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Re: My new car<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dear Big Brother:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was saving a lot of money so that Pinky, your semi-retarded daughter, can go to a decent college in America. Guess what, I changed my mind, and used the money to buy a nice car. I am sending a pic of my brand new BMW. Enjoy!<\/p>\n\n\n\n I am having fun visualizing Pinky swinging her ponytail on her way to our famous Behala College in a few short years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Best wishes<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ashok<\/p>\n\n\n\n To: AshokM@yahoo.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Re Shaadi enquiry<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dear Ashok:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember our neighbor\u2019s daughter Kalpana? She has recently finished law school and joined the Bar at Kolkata High Court. I must say she has turned out to be a lovely young woman. Her parents were asking about you. It appears that Kalpana had a crush on you when she was a little girl.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I told them you prefer to be constantly surrounded by immoral American women (hooker is the right word for them , I believe) and you are not interested in getting married right now. If you change your mind, let me know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Best wishes<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bhim<\/p>\n\n\n\n To : Bhim@gmail.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Re: FYI<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dear Big brother:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I am planning to bring mother over here for a visit , from April to June next year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ashok<\/p>\n\n\n\n To: AshokM@yahoo.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n RE: FYI – problem<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dear little brother:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I am glad that you are planning to bring ma to America. There is one problem \u2013 how is she going to get from Behala to Kolkata airport? She has no money of her own. We give her everything she needs. But we are certainly not going to provide taxi fare for her trip to America.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Best Wishes<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bhim<\/p>\n\n\n\n To: Bhim@gmail.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Re: Taxi fare \u2013 no problem<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dear Dada:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I will send you a check for the taxi fare.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ashok<\/p>\n\n\n\n